A new policy to address government spending has been announced, and while it may court controversy in some corners, John Key is personally championing the initiative.
“It’s time we stopped irresponsible and violent men from increasing the burden on the taxpayer,” said the Prime Minister. “We’ve been too timid to go there before, but this government is making available vasectomies to men we believe should no longer be reproducing.”
Of course Mr Key has first-hand experience of his reproductive capacity being curtailed, and speaks highly of the choice. “It’s been nothing but wonderful for my sex life,” he smiles.
The government plans to offer vasectomies to all men convicted of domestic or sexual violence, and these offers will take place in prison. “We know those men make poor fathers, and their children are likely to need more support from the state than other children, so let’s just cut our costs.”
“But we’re going beyond that too,” Mr Key said winningly. “We’re targetting those deadbeat dads who leave women and children to fend for themselves. They cost us billions, and it’s time we put a stop to them having more children.”
These men will be offered the opportunity to control their future reproduction for free by IRD employees as part of the Child Support changes proposed by National. “It’s a win-win. No more unsupported children, and those guys will get to have as much fun as I do,” said the ebullient Mr Key.
“National are more and more interested in limiting reproductive liability for the state. This proposal should ensure the taxpayer pays only for important things like new roads, maps to facilitate the oil and mining industries making profits, subsidies for industries we support, and contracts for consultants for the public sector. Alongside our plans for increased tax cuts for the productive members of our country, vasectomies may just be the pick-me-up our economy needs.”
The new government policy will be trialled over the next twelve months. Mr Key says if it’s as successful as National hopes “We’ll be making vasectomies available to more and more groups of men from communities which cost taxpayer dollars.”
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